A page for your cat to read 

Practice walking across the computer keyboard when a human is typing. This always makes them pay attention to you.

if you have to throw up, get onto a chair as quickly as possible.  If you can't manage this on time, get to an oriental rug, or sheepskin rug is good      

If one person is busy and the other idle, sit with the busy one.  For book readers, get in close under the chin (between the eyes and the book) .... unless you can manage to lie on the book itself.

For people doing homework, paying bills, writing Christmas cards, .... sit on the paper being worked on.  When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity resumes, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time push anything moveable off the table .... pens, pencils, stamps ...one at a time.

 Determine which guest hates cats.  Sit on that lap during the evening.  They won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty".  If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do anything.  Just sit and stare.

For sitting on laps, rubbing against trouser legs etc, select colours which contrast with your own.

When a human is holding a newspaper in front of him/her, creep up and then jump on the back of the paper.  This is great fun because it makes the human jump too.

Do not allow anyone to read a newspaper.  Lie across the entire paper and pretend to doze.  If they lift you down attack the paper from underneath.  This is an excellent game, and always makes them stop reading. 

Do not allow closed doors in any room.  To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once the door is open for you it is not necessary to go through it.  You can change your mind.  When you have ordered an outside door open, stand half in and half out and meditate for a while..  This is particularly important during very cold weather.

For ladies knitting, curl up quietly on lap and pretend to doze.  Then reach out and slap the knitting needles sharply.  This is what she calls a dropped stitch.  She will try to distract you with something else.  Ignore it.

When it becomes necessary to dislodge a fur ball, choose the dining room at dinner time.

As often as possible, dart as quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they are carrying something, in the dark, and first thing in the morning...... this will help their co-ordination skills.

It is advisable to use any scratching post that the humans provide for you.  They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.  Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant.  if you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.  Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite No-no!                      

Any small item is a potential toy.  If the human tries to confiscate it this means that it is a good toy.  Run with it under the bed.  Look suitably outraged if the human grabs you and takes it away.  Always watch where it is put so that you can steal it later.  Two reliable sources of toys are dressing table tops and waste paper baskets.  There are several types of cat toys:

Should you run into a closed glass door, or do anything stupid, never let on.  Just go about your business as if 'I meant to do that'.

Leap in the air, chase, frolic and run from invisible entities.  The why doesn't matter, it is just expected.

Always sleep on the human at night so that he/she cannot move around.

Always be sure to get plenty of sleep during the day time, so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00a.m.

It is important to retain one's dignity when around humans so that they do not forget who is master of the house.  They need to learn basic rules. They can be taught as long as you start early and are consistent.